I write this piece not knowing it’s end. All I know is that I woke up and my only hope of expression was writing.
It’s my authentic self expression – my point of refuge when feeling is hollow, and thinking is shallow. My Lift too when low!
I wake up this morning not sure what I feel. Somewhat the tide has shifted with another sun, it’s strange when as a writer you can’t find the words to use to describe how you feel. I know it may be a crime; as a writer your tools of trade are words. Words your swords! But what do you say when you are even not sure how you feel, and you don’t want to sound simplistic or bombastic using big words that don’t express the context you are in?
Past few days strange that even big words sound hollow and an eerie emptiness follows- even in thinking and feeling. Perhaps the only thing I can tell with my intuitive sense is that the tide has shifted. Somewhat.
It’s never too hard to choose your disposition in seasons of difficulty, neither in seasons of sunshine and joy. But the in between – those moments of transition – when nothing is definite, its easy to get lost. When what is in the womb is not clear – oh no, don’t get me wrong. Nothing pessimistic! I’m an optimist by nurture or nature. Whatever!
Just the grey of cloud – the season in between. It’s neither summer, nor winter – autumn?
Somewhat. Simply, you don’t know what to expect.
I could almost say this is when English fails you – but again you lack the drive to say it so or seek expression in another.
No pretence even the sentimentality of mother tongue doesn’t make the cut. You just stuck or lost in the in the in between.
Well, I don’t know what I feel and how I feel this morning. Easy to say I’m mourning and sad – what with such news as the passing of such a dear soul, Sylvia an extension of our own. Certainly can’t claim the thunder-strike of pain of the immediate family. But what about a sense of sad, pity, helpless, relief, hope, introspection, self evaluation, not sure what to feel – all rolled into one.
What do you call that in England or even sentimentally so in Greek or whatever mother language you subscribe to?
I don’t know!
To the memory of Slyvia – Rest in Peace.